My angels, hiiii! Tips on how to even start essentially the most particular, necessary, expensive to my coronary heart, expansive weblog submit I’ve ever written? I do know I’ve been so MIA on the weblog, and my Instagram post from yesterday actually sums up why. This journey of being pregnant has been an attractive, blissful, miraculous, difficult, surreal rollercoaster of each emotion, feeling & expertise. Principally it’s been only a full surge of utter gratitude and love for this angel child coming via.
I suppose I ought to again up for a second right here and say, in case you don’t observe me on IG or take heed to my podcast, I AM PREGNANT!! I’m presently 14 and a half weeks, so simply inching into the start of my second trimester. Protecting quiet about it for the primary three months was semi-torturous for somebody like me, who has been sharing my life on-line for the higher portion of my life (sure I’m counting my MySpace & Buddy Profile days in center faculty, I all the time say I used to be born able to weblog, lol) nevertheless it was additionally a extremely sacred, particular time. I’m glad I stayed quiet about it as a result of I actually didn’t but have the phrases. I’d have been greedy at straws, making an attempt to say my life is altering quickly earlier than my eyes & I’m simply making an attempt to maintain up!!
And the reality is, I nonetheless don’t have the phrases! I’m nonetheless rising into this new model of myself, and getting used to this increasing maternal coronary heart and quick motherly intuition that’s already operating rampant inside me. I used to search out it mildly complicated and unrelatable when a lady would say, “Getting pregnant modified me fully, my coronary heart grew immediately, my perspective on life modified totally,” and so forth. however NOW I GET IT. NOWWWW I get it! Even earlier than the child comes, there’s a religious initiation that takes place. It’s so potent and so stuffed with classes & give up, it requires your full consideration. That’s the place I’ve been. That’s why I’ve been fairly MIA.
My perspective on life has shifted. It had already shifted, a lot, after having Lyme illness for the final a few years. I had already slowed down immensely, let go of friendships that didn’t really feel proper, and let go of so many work commitments that have been not serving me. However being pregnant, and even within the technique of getting pregnant, this has all intensified tenfold. I really feel like I’ve a bit of spirit information being inside me displaying me what sort of life they wish to come into, what sort of mama they wish to have, and actually the sort of bullshit that merely DOESN’T matter.
I’ve questioned loads up to now about my daily life. Like, do I actually wish to be working a lot and operating myself ragged when my child comes? Noooo, I don’t. I care a lot about my model and particularly concerning the weblog & you guys, however I do really feel innately issues are going to SHIFT massive time. I’m actually excited (and considerably nervous, TBH) to see how that course of will unfold.
Up to now that is tremendous stream of consciousness, however let’s again up right here so I can let you know guys extra concerning the journey to how we obtained right here. 🙂 PS I extremely suggest listening to the podcast episode with me & Jonathan from final week to listen to it ALL!
The conception course of //
For years now we’ve identified that we couldn’t wait to be dad and mom. In reality Jonathan in all probability would have been content material to grow to be a dad earlier than we even obtained married, as a result of he was actually born to be a father. He’s nearly 4 and a half years older than me, so extra of his associates are having children and he has been prepared for this stage of life for some time. And I’ve all the time DREAMED of being a mother. For a very long time I believed I wished to be a younger mother (like at 25 ish), in all probability as a result of my dad and mom have been each a tad older after they had me. However then… I obtained sick. Very sick.
And also you guys know that saga. From 2017 onward I used to be combating for my life, my therapeutic, a treatment, combating to get up and really feel even considerably like a human on any given day. Each single day with Lyme illness I wished to tear off my pores and skin. Day by day I felt like leaving this earth could be a greater choice than dealing with the ache. As hellacious because it was, I remained hopeful and optimistic deep in my core, as a result of I knew life had extra to supply me. I knew at some point I’d get to be a mother, and that beginning a household with Jonathan could be my new chapter.
And right here we’re. On the new chapter. It’s INSANE to me to know I’ve come this far. Now I’m crying. I don’t suppose I discuss sufficient concerning the true trauma that Lyme was. How scary and terrible and miserable it was to lose all the pieces, to stare on the partitions all day and never be capable to get away from bed. However one factor above all else motivated me all through that ENTIRE journey, and that was at some point getting nicely sufficient to have infants. Wholesome infants. And to be a wholesome mother with my wholesome infants.
Final yr, 2020, was actually a present for me and my therapeutic. The yr clearly had its challenges, however lastly for the primary time in my grownup life I used to be in a position to breathe. Not having to be anyplace, get on a aircraft, or power myself to indicate up for issues I didn’t really feel nicely sufficient for, allowed my physique, thoughts, and spirit to REST. I obtained to go to a number of therapeutic services and spend true, actual, devoted vitality and time therapeutic my physique. By the top of the yr, I felt like I used to be symptom-free and able to really begin making an attempt to have a child.
Jonathan, in fact, was thrilled!! So in January we began making an attempt. And I child you not, after our very first strive, I felt pregnant. I KNEW I used to be pregnant. I developed morning illness, sore boobs, meals aversions, exhaustion, and past. I felt the child’s spirit. I felt implantation. I felt all of it. I went to my Chinese language drugs physician who’s a real psychic witch AND a really gifted physician, and she or he confirmed the being pregnant. She even knew the gender. She instructed me to not get on a aircraft to Miami however I did it the very subsequent day anyway (I wasn’t positive if I used to be able to pause my life? However I additionally trusted her deep in my intestine).
And earlier than I might even take a being pregnant check or miss a interval, I felt my physique dropping the child. After two weeks of frantic vitality, making an attempt to take early checks, even making an attempt to weasel my means into an excellent early blood check (which I did too, and it did, by all western requirements, show that I used to be pregnant), I felt the crushing lack of dropping the child spirit. I began bleeding the very subsequent day. It was heartbreaking, darkish, and I clearly began questioning all the pieces.
On the one hand I knew it was my very first strive, so I attempted to not be fully disheartened. However however, I spent two weeks figuring out with each fiber of my being that I used to be pregnant. It was onerous to not surprise if it was Lyme that made the being pregnant not final. I questioned intensely if my physique simply wasn’t going to have the ability to rise to fulfill the extent of hormones required for being pregnant. I questioned if my physique was tainted from being sick for therefore lengthy. I felt immeasurably weak… bodily and emotionally from so a few years of battling such a debilitating illness. I simply wished my shiny second… my mild on the finish of the tunnel.
In February we didn’t strive. I wished to, however I used to be fully shook from the primary expertise. We have been additionally instructed to attend and for me to take herbs and dietary supplements to heal extra Lyme points earlier than we tried once more. I noticed I had been ignoring the fact of my well being in favor of desirous to manifest all of it into being good. THAT is a crushing feeling. One which my Lyme sisters and brothers will know so nicely. Then in March, we tried once more. And I’ll spare you the small print as a result of the SAME factor occurred.
Felt pregnant. Acquired it confirmed. Even came upon the gender from a Chinese language drugs perspective. Felt the implantation. Then began bleeding… loads. Misplaced the child. And once more, it was all so early it didn’t even really feel scientifically actual to mourn the loss and to really feel unhappy. I felt crushed, weak, and anxious once more. However this time I stayed extra calm, as a result of after January I discovered a LOT.
I discovered that give up is of the utmost significance when making an attempt to conceive. That stress isn’t solely a horrible factor on your physique and thoughts, however that from a child spirit perspective, they don’t wish to come right into a demanding atmosphere. I’m not saying you may be punished by the spirits above for being burdened (in no way!!!), however I do know that for MY private journey and MY private religious evolution, my child spoke to me loud and clear. My child was not going to return in amidst all of that stress. I used to be additionally being tremendous controlling (even right down to Astrology indicators… actually) and the child spirit spoke to me and confirmed me that I needed to let ALL of that go to ensure that them to be open to coming via.
So in April, we tried once more. I had thousands and thousands of conflicting opinions at that time coming in from the Lyme world, Chinese language drugs world, household world, associates, and so forth. — “Attempt! Don’t strive! Simply strive!! Now isn’t a great time to strive!! Simply take your time!! Why not simply strive?” and I VERY a lot needed to tune out all of that noise and simply do what felt proper for our household. And what felt proper to me and to Jonathan was to strive. Significantly for me and the religious connection I really feel to our child, I knew that not making an attempt was testing destiny. I saved saying that to him. That if we didn’t strive… we have been messing with one thing that felt prefer it was imagined to be taking place.
So we tried!! I surrendered all month. I didn’t suppose I used to be pregnant. I didn’t really feel pregnant, and I didn’t really feel implantation. I went to Palm Springs for one in all my finest good friend’s birthdays. I used to be imagined to get my interval that Friday. I obtained a horrible migraine, often indicating that my interval was coming. It didn’t come. The subsequent day, it didn’t both. Similar with the following day.
At that time I knew I used to be pregnant. I felt nauseous, dizzy, and jittery in Palm Springs. I felt extraordinarily excited and began realizing — THIS IS HOW IT IS SUPPOSED TO FEEL!! What I felt earlier than was the lead up. The prep. I knew in my bones that for me personally… it was imagined to be this manner. My physique was making an attempt to get used to it, and it lastly felt prefer it was prepared. The child spirit was prepared too.
I didn’t take a check in Palm Springs as a result of I used to be fairly traumatized from taking them too early within the earlier months. I jetted dwelling Sunday morning and took a check within the consolation of my own residence, with Huddy close by, and IT. WAS. POSITIVE!!!!!
It’s onerous to clarify how I felt once I noticed that constructive check. I used to be each serenely calm and completely ecstatic. I used to be emotional, pleased with my physique, and in a vortex of time and feeling the place I used to be realizing — I’m out of the woods. I’m out of my very own private HELL. That is the break I’ve been ready for. That is what I’ve wished my whole life. All of that blended with disbelief and delicate terror that it wasn’t going to final… all of the whereas with a DEEP figuring out that this child was right here to remain. THAT is the way it felt.
I filmed myself discovering out, which you’ll see here!! Then I waited a complete week to inform Jonathan (extra on that in our podcast episode) as a result of he was out of city and I instructed him in individual. I’ll do an entire submit on how I instructed him and his response subsequent! It’s about time I share his response!!!
Heading into the second trimester //
The primary trimester was stuffed with FIRSTS. Listening to the heartbeat (most superb second), dietary supplements, blood work, experiencing meals aversions, cravings, bagels and fruit every single day, delving deep into being pregnant diet / listening to lots of opinions & then deciding that my plant primarily based, vegan methods are serving me and this child simply completely.
On the finish of the primary trimester I developed HORRIFIC sciatica. I’m speaking like an 11 out of 10 ache. I believed MAYBE that’s what 40 weeks pregnant would really feel like. Searing ache in my decrease again and down my butt and legs that made it not possible to stroll or transfer!! In order that was a lesson in slowing down and listening to my physique once more, and never evaluating myself to anybody else. As a result of usually they are saying firstly of the second trimester you’ll really feel AMAZING, have bundles of vitality, wish to work out, and so forth. and I simply felt like demise.
Nevertheless it appears to be easing up now. 🙂 Every day yoga and a few pilates helps. I’ve an unbelievable Doula and a tremendous OBGYN (the identical physician who did my fibroid surgical procedure). I’m so holistic relating to my very own well being, however with child I’ve been surprisingly CAUTIOUS and leaning into lots of consolation from each western & jap drugs. It feels very nice to have the affect of each.
I shocked myself with how cautious I’ve been! I didn’t even get on a aircraft in my first trimester as a result of each fiber of my being instructed me to remain GROUNDED for child and for me. I’m actually pleased with myself for listening to that intuitive voice.
Most of all it’s been such a particular time for me and Jonathan (and Huddy!). Savoring these moments as a household of three, and having our freedom as a pair, has been actually particular. He has been a saint the whole time… however that’s nothing new, as a result of being pregnant in comparison with Lyme has been a breeze for us each. Properly, not a BREEZE in each second, nevertheless it’s principally incomparable.
My newest factor is that I simply came upon I’m a provider for the Tay Sachs genetic mutation. I had by no means even heard of it till being pregnant. We’re ready for Jonathan’s outcomes and if he’s NOT a provider, we’re 100% superb. If he’s, we must do fairly a little bit of additional genetic testing for the child. I’m nervous but in addition actually hopeful and optimistic — I actually really feel in my core that this child is STRONG & wholesome. If you happen to’ve been via one thing comparable, I’d love to listen to from you. Ship good vibes both means!!
Quickly I can’t wait to share the gender with you guys when that feels proper. What I’ll say for now’s that I’ve identified for years which gender would come via as my first child…. and I really feel like I do know the spirit and soul so nicely already, via lifetimes.
I’ve SO MUCH extra to say, however I’ll take a pause right here. I’ve liked studying from fellow mamas, individuals in our TBB group, and people of you who’re additionally pregnant. It looks like such a miracle to be on this journey with such a giant handful of you on the market. However I’m not shocked — I’ve all the time felt like our group has advanced collectively and it’s so cool to see lots of you on this similar area in life.
I additionally wish to say, if you’re making an attempt to conceive and struggling, I’m sending you a lot love. I pray for you every single day. I really feel very fortunate that our course of was not very lengthy and drawn out, however in some methods I really feel like my 5 years of Lyme therapeutic have been all PREP for this second in time. I spent years agonizing and questioning if this may be a chance for me in my physique. So I share all of this brazenly with you guys to indicate that it’s POSSIBLE! Therapeutic is actual!!! I really feel symptom-free from Lyme and I do know, know, know that this child is wholesome. All checks up to now level to well being. :)))
MORE TO COME SOON. It feels odd to chop it off right here, however tomorrow there’s a new Being pregnant Q&A up on the podcast that I can’t wait so that you can hear that goes even deeper!! Love taking you guys alongside for this journey and really feel so blessed to have you ever guys as our associates and fam from all around the world. <3
Any questions?! I’m blissful to reply something! Love you guys a lot and so so grateful to have the ability to share this journey with you. Now that I’m lastly running a blog about it, count on heaps extra updates. 🙂 Additionally request any matters
