Keeping My HIV Diagnosis a Secret for a Year Taught Me a Lot About People’s Stereotypes

As advised to Megan Margulies

I drove up my driveway and put my automobile in park. I used to be lastly alone, so I screamed. I had simply been recognized with HIV. I used to be 36 years outdated, in my prime, transferring and shaking with my advertising and marketing profession. My subsequent thought was, “Who’s going to marry somebody who’s HIV optimistic?” After which I went to the following excessive: “I can’t die like this.”

My analysis was fairly traumatic. After delivering this life-changing information, a nurse handed me an envelope containing telephone numbers for the well being division and testing amenities, after which wished me a “nice weekend.” There was no referral for one-on-one care, and I didn’t have the bandwidth or the capability to go and discover my very own physician. I felt unseen, like I didn’t matter — and I used to be livid. Fortunately my good friend who works in social companies helped me discover a actually nice care workforce.

I advised my closest tight-knit circle of girlfriends and my mother about my analysis, however didn’t inform anybody else for a yr. That point gave me a singular perspective on how folks speak about people who’ve been recognized. I noticed how HIV was talked about on social media, and I couldn’t consider how merciless folks have been about others with HIV. It was an actual eye-opener about how stereotypes and stigmas have an effect on folks with an HIV analysis, so I grew to become very conscious of the judgment I’d face and have become extraordinarily cautious with how I moved with my analysis.

It will possibly look a “sure means,” to be seen in entrance of the well being division company for HIV-positive folks, so I used to be uneasy going to an appointment there. Once I arrived, I used to be hyperaware of those stigmas. I’m a sorority lady and have sorority tags on my automobile, so I parked near the worker parking so folks would suppose I used to be there for philanthropic functions. I used to be so involved with what different folks would suppose that I parked so it regarded as if I used to be there to give service, not obtain service. On prime of caring about my well being, I additionally felt burdened by worrying about my picture.

Just a few years after my analysis, I advised others in my life and went public with my HIV standing and was featured in an advert marketing campaign for a brand new HIV medicine. I went to my standard nail technician to get microblading carried out on my eyebrows and the girl advised me they couldn’t present the service. She listed excuses about sanitation and therapeutic and the way it wasn’t good for “folks like me.” I by no means went again.

Regardless of the stigma and the hurdles I stored going through, my mantra and inside soundtrack stored taking part in: This can’t be my demise. I refuse to let this be my demise. I had carried out undergrad work within the HIV group, and I knew that untreated HIV results in dying. So, I advised myself to push by and hook up with the very best care. As involved as I used to be about my picture, and the ignorant views of different folks, I knew my well being was a very powerful factor.

Each time self-doubt creeps in, I’ve to inform my inside critic, Thanks a lot, I hear you, however you’ll be able to’t serve me proper now. It’s a protection mechanism that will have served me up to now, however on this second, it doesn’t. This mindset is one thing I’ve to continually work on as a result of being recognized is just not a second, it’s an expertise — a continuing expertise in a single’s life.

I’ve lastly gotten to a spot the place I don’t really feel fixed anxiousness anymore. A lot of the apprehension that continues to be for me is said to courting. The emotional toll of exposing my analysis to a possible associate by no means will get straightforward. I’m all the time questioning and ready to see how they’re going to reply — are they going to be that particular person on social media having a visceral response? Are they the person who’s going to have their household, and their stereotypes, dictate how they date? All of these items, on prime of the challenges that go along with common courting, aren’t straightforward.

I see a therapist to assist me get by all these powerful conditions. I wish to say Jesus and my therapist saved my life. I consider in spirituality, however I believe you additionally want a therapist to work in tandem. My traumatic analysis — feeling as if I wasn’t seen as a human being by the medical workforce who recognized me — and my expertise navigating the stereotypes and stigmas of HIV allowed me to seek out the holes in HIV care, particularly for individuals who present up and appear like me. Now, I’m a private life coach for Black women living with HIV.

HIV isn’t a analysis that many ladies really feel they are often open and trustworthy about. It’s heavy sufficient exhibiting up on this world as a lady, and a lot extra as a Black lady. Stigma is actual, and coping with dangerous attitudes does extra injury to the thoughts, feelings and well being of HIV-positive folks. On the core, it’s a persistent sickness, and it doesn’t make us an outcast of society. I needed to work onerous to get to a spot of energy and confidence — and now my mission is to assist others thrive as properly, regardless of their HIV analysis.

This useful resource was created with help from BD, Janssen & Merck.