My Ever-Evolving Relationship With My Clothes

I’ve a busy relationship with clothes. In my 20s and early 30s, I worshipped it. I stuffed the closets of our numerous rental flats with beaded slip-on loafers I purchased at an out of doors market in Strasbourg, France; a classic bubblegum-pink stewardess costume I liberated from a Goodwill in rural Kansas; a pink Banana Republic raincoat I discovered (with tags on) at a consignment retailer in Boston.

Lately, various readers–largely additionally younger (am I nonetheless younger?) mothers–have requested me what I put on and the way I strategy my relationship with clothes lately. Longtime readers will recall my three-year-long all-out ban on buying clothing. I efficiently went three years with out shopping for something as a result of I desperately wanted a re-set. I purchased garments at thrift shops and yard gross sales always. I had sufficient clothes to dress a complete soccer staff. A number of groups.

I’ve solely not too long ago realized how intertwined my clothes obsession was with my previously undiagnosed depression and anxiety. I’m beginning to unravel the feelings I carried in my garments and my look. It”ll in all probability take me the remainder of my life, however I’m joyful to take you together with me. So this put up isn’t about cash, however it is about how materials issues can tackle an excessive amount of significance in our lives. How we are able to outline ourselves by what we personal–by what we purchase. That is the primary in a brand new sequence on garments; the following put up can be a sensible run-down of what I put on lately. However at present, get pleasure from a journey by means of the recesses of my mind.

My Clothes Obsession

I beloved my garments. They have been my souvenirs, my manner of monitoring the place I’d lived, what I’d worn once I was 22, how I felt about myself once I wore them. These garments had recollections woven by means of them. I’d lugged them from Kansas to Europe to Brooklyn to Washington, DC to Boston. And at last, to Vermont. In Vermont, they sat in my basement tucked into plastic tubs lined up on steel cabinets. That they had masking tape labels with issues like, “Cloaks,” written on them, which sounded preposterous till you slid the bathtub off the shelf, pried open the lid and noticed that there have been, in truth, 5 woolen cloaks inside. By no means thoughts that I’m allergic to wool. These have been bitching cloaks.

You may assume I solely wore these garments in school. In grad college on the newest. You’d be fallacious. I wore them till I acquired pregnant with our first baby. I used to be 31. For work, I had what I thought of a toned-down strategy that included blazers. However I nonetheless wore my floor-length, classic ’70s floral sleeveless robe on the weekends. In public. I favored how I regarded.

What Occurs When You Delivery Two Infants (not on the similar time)

Having a child modified my physique. Everyone knows this occurs, it’s a cliche to even let you know. However I hadn’t realized it could imply I’d by no means match into these costumes once more. I gained weight; however extra related is the truth that issues moved round. My rib cage is in some way a unique form. As are my hips. After I had a second child, issues migrated additional and it turned clear my physique was settling right into a contented, pre-middle-aged association.

Me & Mr. FW at 22

I started to slowly peel off the garments I’d by no means put on once more and donate them to the thrift retailer. I now not labored in an workplace; I lived on a farm in rural Vermont. I wasn’t ever going to put on a strapless polka-dot costume with a black and pink tulle skirt once more. At first, I mourned each piece that left my home. I felt like I used to be dropping a part of who I used to be. So I slowed my give-away mission, I let myself forgot about it. I let every little thing sit within the basement, stored the “Cloaks” label in place and moved on with my life upstairs, which largely concerned potty coaching and making an attempt to bake cookies with two kids below the age of three.

I was diagnosed with postpartum depression when the second child was 5 months previous. I began seeing a therapist. I began taking Zoloft. Every little thing lifted. Every little thing was lighter. I spotted I’d been dealing with the fallacious manner for 3 years. I’d been squinting to look backwards on the individual I was. It was straightforward to do as a result of I met my husband after we have been 18 and I nonetheless beloved him. And so, there we have been collectively at 21, at 25, fully totally different individuals. Straightforward individuals with out obligations. With out stability. Now, with a c-section and a VBAC carved onto me, I used to be making an attempt to reduce weight and whittle myself again right down to the individual I was. Due to my therapist, I spotted that individual wasn’t a cheerful one. That individual standing there at a piece get together, in a classic ’50s rhinestone-collared cocktail costume, was depressed. Anxious. A perfectionist unable to be content material. That individual was all the time reaching for the following exterior validation–a promotion, a extra superior yoga pose, a brand new costume.

It Was Melancholy All Alongside

Realizing that it had been melancholy and anxiousness all alongside is the perfect factor that’s ever occurred to me.

As soon as I knew that, I understood I didn’t have something to show. I spotted that nobody cared if I used to be hitting the following milestone for exterior validation. I’d been this anxious, manic little creature  throwing myself into no matter I believed can be “the following factor” to carry me happiness. Peace. Stillness. However, after all, none of that comes from accomplishments or different individuals. Or garments.

The garments weren’t the reason for my melancholy and anxiousness. They have been a symptom. A manifestation of my must be complemented, excellent, enticing, attention-grabbing, good. An excellent individual carrying good garments. If I might outline myself by my outward look, I might idiot myself into pondering I used to be okay. Completely labored for 10 years, when you depend sweat puddling in your laptop computer keyboard whilst you work as okay. It was okay till I had two small individuals seeking to me for steerage on how they need to study to outline themselves.

Remedy And Treatment

Each labored for me. They don’t work for everybody. Zoloft saved my life and I proceed to take it. I’ll in all probability take it for the remainder of my life and that’s high-quality with me. I’ll do something to not be swallowed by melancholy and anxiousness once more. 

Us at 38

I went to remedy within the pre-online-therapy increase, so I went in individual. Meaning I drove 45 minutes every technique to see my therapist. I did so as a result of I needed to. I additionally paid $150 out-of-pocket for each session as a result of my insurance coverage didn’t cowl a single therapist who had availability. After I known as the hospital the place I delivered our second child and informed them I used to be fairly certain I had postpartum melancholy, their response was, “nicely, our PPD therapist is totally booked. We will get you an appointment in about six months.” To this present day I can’t consider that was their response. However I’m lucky. I had the time and the cash to discover a non-public therapist who had availability that week. As a result of I wanted to see somebody ASAP.

This was pre-pandemic and it’s my understanding this has solely gotten worse. That therapists’ availability and costs have solely change into extra constrained because of the psychological well being disaster ensuing from the horror that’s Covid. Enter on-line remedy. Like I mentioned, I haven’t carried out this, so I’m not vouching for it personally. However, TalkSpace is a kind of on-line remedy corporations that works very well for some people (affiliate hyperlink). There’s been backlash in opposition to a few of these on-line remedy corporations–which I completely get–however I additionally get that for some individuals, discovering an area therapist is value or time prohibitive. Or inconceivable. For some people, on-line remedy is the perfect (or solely) possibility. If you happen to really feel like speaking with somebody may be useful, TalkSpace is an choices accessible to you (affiliate hyperlink). I’d not be the individual I’m at present with out remedy and medicine. Acknowledging my long-term melancholy and anxiousness and getting remedy is what permits me to now sleep by means of the evening, not snap at my kids always, not really feel exhausted on a regular basis, not dread getting off the bed, and to really feel like I’ve issues to sit up for. To really feel like my life is worth it.

4 Years Straight

Littlewoods in her favourite spot

After getting remedy for my melancholy and letting go of defining myself by my garments, I fell right into a pit of hand-me-down maternity and nursing outfits. Since my children are 27 months aside, I used to be pregnant or breastfeeding for 4 years straight. For 4 years straight I wore stretched-out high-rise pants, sloping and stained nursing tops, unhappy cardigans that was a colour? Possibly?

This was sensible; each a part of my life was filthy. I labored from dwelling, nobody noticed me in knowledgeable context. I had a headshot I’d plaster up anytime somebody felt the necessity to see what I regarded like. Though I didn’t, and don’t, seem like that headshot. I used to be all the time behind a pc or below a baby. The child by no means needed to get out of the provider and the toddler discovered a technique to adhere to my legs anytime we have been in public, so nobody might see my garments anyway.

Rising from The Fog of Toddler-hood

Then issues modified once more. The child stopped nursing. The toddler went to highschool. I labored extra and didn’t all the time have somebody caught to my chest. I made a decision to purchase new garments. Earlier than shopping for something, I went by means of every little thing I owned. Most of it didn’t match. Attempting on 12 pairs of denims and discovering that you could’t pull any of them up previous your hips will not be my favourite technique to spend ten minutes. After that, I didn’t trouble making an attempt on the remaining. None of it really feel like my clothes anymore. And this clearing out stopped being unhappy. It changed into liberation. I used to be excising the unneeded.

For the primary time, I didn’t wish to be 22 once more.

Us at 29. Can’t consider that was A DECADE AGO

I didn’t wish to endure crippling anxiousness and sweat by means of a swimsuit jacket throughout a job interview. I didn’t wish to return to a time once I wouldn’t eat dessert so I might button the high-waisted camel-colored, dimension 2 J Crew skirt I discovered for $1 on the backside of a clothes pile at a yard sale. I didn’t wish to really feel that determined for approval once more. I didn’t wish to really feel outlined and restricted by my garments. I needed to be comfy and content material. I needed to become older, to maneuver on, to change into somebody totally different.

I don’t understand how a lot clothes I gave away as a result of it didn’t occur . I bear in mind I crammed a complete massive cardboard shifting field. I additionally bear in mind taking six full trash luggage to Goodwill. I do know I gave my niece at the very least three suitcases of garments that look incredible on a 15-year-old and unhappy on a 38-year-old. I do know that my total wardrobe–all 4 seasons–now matches into my aspect of the closet. With out cramming. I don’t even tuck stuff over on my husband’s aspect anymore, hiding it behind the blue bathrobe he by no means wears. I stored one plastic garment rack within the basement that’s one-quarter filled with the gems I can’t surrender.

After I removed all the garments that have been making an attempt to squeeze me right into a definition I don’t match anymore, I wanted to determine what I did wish to put on. I gave away all of the stretched-out, stained maternity and nursing garments and I thought of what I prefer to put on. Not what I’m purported to put on, not what I put on to impress different individuals, not what’s in model. What I like to put on.  I’ll let you know what that’s subsequent time.

How do you strategy clothes? What’s modified for you through the years?