How Curiosity Can Help Us Overcome Disconnection

We reside in a time when {our relationships} and social material are being ripped aside: neighbors screaming at one another at protests, mother and father at warfare about banning books at their faculty, and younger folks yelling “OK boomer” to elders at work. In a single city, a religion congregation plunges into turmoil after a member comes out as homosexual; in one other, a church and mosque are burned down by arsonists. Hate has seemingly contaminated the very air we breathe—poisoned by the tradition of divisiveness and polarization, of “us versus them.”

The results of all this isn’t simply discord and deep disappointment on a collective stage—it impacts us all on a deeply private one, as properly. You’ll be able to’t breathe poisonous air like this and never really feel it in your individual lungs and coronary heart.

I wished to really feel much less scared and offended on a regular basis—so in 2019, I stop my job to spend 12 months on the highway, dwelling out of my automotive, showering at Planet Health, and assembly folks I’d by no means usually encounter as a city-dwelling liberal Asian American spiritually queer professor and researcher from Hawai‘i (whew, that’s a mouthful). I had my sights set on Trump rallies, anti-LGBTQ+ hate teams, and church buildings. My purpose was to grasp how we might come again collectively as a rustic. How might we heal and forge deeper connections—somewhat than flip away from one another—to resolve the large issues we collectively face?

By means of this journey, I spotted that there’s a path to us overcoming the disconnection and division so pervasive in our nation: curiosity. I realized that curiosity is a apply, one thing we have to use each day, which impressed me to put in writing my new guide Seek: How Curiosity Can Transform Your Life and Change the World. Once we study to go deep with curiosity, it may be the important thing to unlocking optimistic well-being and relationships in our lives.

An period of incuriosity

Based mostly on my interviews, observations, and analysis, I’ve come to see that the frequent thread behind a whole lot of our disconnection, struggling, and polarization in the present day is incuriosity: closing ourselves off from understanding the views, tales, and humanity of others.

It has turn out to be uncommon to apply deep listening. As an alternative, we cancel folks as a substitute of calling them in (as Loretta Ross says) with accountability, which means we usually tend to disgrace, choose, or dehumanize the folks we disagree with. This will result in us staying in our silos and refusing to attach with individuals who have completely different beliefs than us. Meaning we aren’t uncovered to different methods of considering or being, and we additional codify our personal biases. This will result in us stereotyping others, as we miss out on the nuance and complexity that comes with the vary of identities folks maintain.

This period of incuriosity is actually killing us. Long-term studies have discovered that much less curiosity chops valuable time without work our lifespan, and contributes to loneliness and isolation.

If we need to strengthen {our relationships} somewhat than rupture them, we’ve to study to ask extra highly effective questions somewhat than cross judgment. We have to turn out to be the type of people that seek for tales somewhat than positions, and values as a substitute of views. We’ve got to look within ourselves, getting inquisitive about our personal previous and feelings, and never simply depend on studying in regards to the world exterior of us.

In my work with the Larger Good Science Heart, together with co-creating the Bridging Differences Playbook, I’ve seen the ability of curiosity repeatedly with every kind of individuals: educators, therapists, journalists, neighborhood organizers, entrepreneurs, researchers, artists, college students, and fogeys. I’ve spent the final 5 years rigorously researching how curiosity would possibly assist us to bridge social and political divides. As a way to glean these advantages, we have to be deliberate about how we use curiosity—and we should go a lot deeper than we typically go.

4 steps to deeper curiosity

We are inclined to restrict our understanding of curiosity by speaking about it as a pressure for extracting info. Most individuals see it as a purely mental pursuit somewhat than one that may stir our hearts and spirits. We see the way it helps kids to develop language and communication abilities or to recollect what music was simply enjoying on the radio.

Whereas this type of curiosity is necessary, there may be way more it may well supply us. We have to embrace what I name “deep curiosity.” That is the type of curiosity that invitations us to make use of it as a pressure for significant connection and transformation. That is what strengthens {our relationships} to ourselves and one another, serving to us to higher navigate disagreements, revive decades-old marriages, or heal from previous ache or trauma.


Curiosity begs us to ask questions that invite nuance and shock. Moderately than “What ought to I do to earn cash?,” we ask ourselves, “Once I’m actually flourishing, what does that appear to be?” As an alternative of “Are you a Democrat or a Republican?,” we ask others, “What values are necessary to you?” Moderately than “The place did my ancestors come from?,” we ask, “How do I keep linked to them all through my life?”

I’ve developed an overarching framework referred to as DIVE to assist us entry our deep curiosity:

Detach: Let go of your ABCs (assumptions, biases, certainty). We connect to assumptions, biases, and certainty as a result of that’s how our brains naturally function. These are computerized human tendencies that assist us make sense of the world—and so they additionally present us with a sense of safety. To not point out, being proper and righteous brings social standing and energy in in the present day’s twisted tradition.

Detaching is a journey of lifelong unstudying—about your self, about others, and in regards to the world extra broadly. However once we start to let go of our ABCs, we modify the best way we understand and work together with the folks round us.

Tricks to detach:

• Again that assumption up. Validate whether or not your assumptions are true or not by participating with these about whom you maintain assumptions. By means of dialog and connection, you’ll usually discover that the assumptions you’re holding on to aren’t correct. For instance, should you assume {that a} buddy is late to a lunch date as a result of they don’t respect you or your time, you may immediately ask them about it. You would possibly discover that they’re struggling to deal with their household or work tasks, or view punctuality by way of a distinct cultural lens (island time is actual!).
• Reality-check your defective “thoughts reader” skills. Metaperceptions are the methods we predict others take into consideration us, and they’re usually unfavorable and inaccurate—as a result of we will’t learn one other particular person’s thoughts. Stability unfavorable metaperceptions with optimistic ones, and should you’re feeling further brave, ask the opposite particular person in the event that they’re true or not. If you happen to assume your mother-in-law views you as lazy since you’re combating unemployment, you may speak to her about it. Or simply attempt to bear in mind different methods she would possibly see you, too, equivalent to humorous, participating, or caring.
• Check out the “backyard salad” impact. Think about one other particular person’s vegetable choice (do they like broccoli or carrots more?). This helps you see that particular person as a person, appreciating that they’ve distinctive tastes and preferences, somewhat than seeing them strictly when it comes to their group identities. You may as well discover shared identities with people who find themselves completely different from you—just like how completely different greens may be put collectively in a salad.
• Grow to be an “admitter.” See admitting being unsuitable as an act of mental humility that results in higher communication, relationships, management, and life satisfaction. You are able to do this by saying, “Inform me extra” whenever you’re advised you’re unsuitable, prioritizing studying and progress, and reminding your self that people are wired for forgiveness.

Intend: Put together your mindset and setting. Intention means to be deliberate in your apply of deep curiosity somewhat than haphazard. That is necessary, since deep curiosity isn’t one thing that’s given to us—it’s one thing we select (or don’t) each day. Once we are intentional about bringing extra of it into our lives, it begins to infuse the choices we make.

A part of this entails making ready the fitting mindset and setting when being curious. In your mindset, assume upfront in regards to the questions you’d ask in a dialog or visualize the way you’d present as much as be as open-hearted as potential should you count on battle. Choosing a setting that encourages curiosity and connection would possibly appear to be a non-public area the place each folks really feel protected to precise themselves totally, and the place there’s little to no distractions so it encourages deep listening.

This type of preparation might help soothe your nerves and fears earlier than getting into a scenario that may push your emotional boundaries (in a great way)—say, on a primary date, throughout a troublesome dialog at work, or whereas participating with somebody throughout the political aisle. Not solely will this ease your individual private struggling beforehand, however it would additionally set you up for a curious encounter that’s more likely to be way more profitable.

Worth: See the dignity of each particular person, together with your self. To worth is to see the inherent and ineffable dignity of all folks, together with your self. It’s to acknowledge the humanity of each single particular person, it doesn’t matter what they’ve achieved or how you’re feeling about them. Full cease and no exceptions. Till we honor the inherent value of others, and work to see them as advanced beings with lives, households, joys, struggles, jobs, personalities, likes, and dislikes, we will’t entry deep curiosity.

Psychologists Lasana Harris and Susan Fiske found that we’re much less more likely to take into account the feelings of these we devalue. In a single examine, they requested individuals to explain a day within the lifetime of three folks: an individual who’s homeless, a firefighter, and a university pupil. Of their descriptions, individuals have been much less more likely to take into account the emotional state of the one that was homeless (a gaggle that’s usually dehumanized) than that of the firefighter or school pupil.

In distinction, whenever you worth somebody, you select a path of connection somewhat than distance, understanding somewhat than judgment, and love somewhat than incuriosity. For instance, you worth your self by exploring the way you felt when a buddy didn’t lengthen you an invite, and sharing your considerations with them. You worth your buddy by not calling them a bitch and respecting them sufficient to supply them an opportunity to answer your damage emotions.

Whereas studying this, you’re in all probability nodding alongside in complete settlement. We wish to assume that we already see folks totally, as advanced human beings. However in the case of that asshole who reduce you off on the freeway, that coworker who’s a strolling microaggression, or being onerous on ourselves once we mess up with parenting or loving our partner, it’s a lot tougher to apply valuing others and ourselves.

Embrace: Welcome the onerous instances in your life. Embrace is a reminder for us to maneuver towards the issues we worry, which often occurs at a second of change, equivalent to a profession shift, a brand new dwelling, increasing the household, or navigating loss. As an alternative of making an attempt to push away discomfort, worry, anxiousness, or ache, we will get inquisitive about the place they’re coming from and what they’ve to show us.

You’ll be able to take the moments in your life, that are rife with uncomfortable emotions, and remodel them into one thing helpful. We don’t do that by suppressing unfavorable feelings or pretending that the whole lot is “simply effective, thanks very a lot!” We do that by embracing all of it—the nice and the unhealthy—and leaving room for the potential of change to comply with. Once we expertise grief, as an example, we’d replicate on that particular person’s legacy and the valuable reminiscences we’ve shared with them. However we additionally create the area to honor the anger and disappointment we really feel that this particular person is not with us, and get inquisitive about the place in our physique these feelings are arising for us (equivalent to our intestine, throat, or chest).

It’s necessary to keep in mind that deep curiosity is a apply, which means we should use it in small and massive methods each day to achieve mastery in it. As you do, you’ll discover it strengthens your relationships to your self and others so you may really feel happier and extra linked to the world round you, along with the world within you. Deep curiosity is a life-changing present, one thing you may supply to your loved ones, pals, colleagues, neighbors, and strangers. It’s a beneficiant pressure, which suggests it’s alleged to be shared.

Not solely will we all have this superpower, however all of us stand to profit from it. That is the one means we’ll dance our means out of this period of division and worry.