I moved out of my mother or father’s home on the age of 18. The following years concerned a sequence of highs and lows as I struggled to seek out my place on the earth. I graduated faculty with a B.A. in philosophy. I served 8 years within the U.S. Marines. Then I entered the civilian world and found veterans with liberal arts levels aren’t employable.
So, I obtained a room mate and an house in a nasty a part of city. I used to be lulled to sleep by the sound of gunshots every night time, and I labored a crappy name middle job that did not pay my payments. I ate canned ravioli 3 times a day, and pals commented on how skinny I seemed.
I used to be hungry and ashamed. I might achieved every part that the varsity counselors informed me was required for fulfillment. I wore fits to interviews, I seemed potential employers within the eye once I shook their fingers, and I even spent cash I did not must ship hand-written “thanks” notes after each interview. However nothing labored.
In the future, I obtained fortunate. A supervisor observed that I might gone a complete yr with out being late for work, and he rewarded me with a greater shift. The higher shift led to extra pay, and ultimately I obtained a promotion. That promotion led to a much less crappy job with one other firm that supplied medical insurance. So, I obtained some badly wanted dental work achieved. I began to really feel like an grownup.
And I used to be hungry and ashamed. My co-workers ate at fancy eating places that I might by no means heard of. They wore tailor-made fits and knew the distinction between gimlets and manhattans.
In the meantime, I used to be nonetheless residing paycheck to paycheck and my fits all got here from goodwill. I obtained them dry cleaned within the hopes that nobody would know the distinction. However I nonetheless felt like a fraud. The literal starvation of my youth was changed with an existential one as I puzzled, “Will shoppers take me extra severely if I purchase a nicer watch?”
Over time, I obtained the good watch, the flamboyant fits, and the quick automobile to go along with them. I discovered what drinks to order at eating places and the suitable subjects of dialog. I discovered how to slot in, and I navigated the company world like a politician; constructing a fame and cultivating relationships in my climb to the highest.
My exhausting work paid off. I used to be rewarded with an workplace and paid break day. I had a job title that garnered respect and the bars of my youth have been changed with dinner events in homes that I did not personal. I lived on the good facet of city, and all of my payments have been paid on time. I used to be a hit.
And I used to be hungry and ashamed. As soon as once more, I might achieved every part that my elders informed me I wanted to do. I dotted all of my Is and I crossed all of my Ts. However happiness remained a thriller to me; just like the moon on a cloudy night time. I knew it was there, however I could not see it. I could not really feel any factor apart from the hole vacancy in my chest that was by some means worse than the starvation pangs of my youth.
My existential starvation was changed with a non secular one. And I stayed up at night time questioning, “Will my issues go away if I notice enlightenment?”
So, I ended ingesting alcohol. I ended consuming meat, and I started attending companies at a Buddhist temple close to my home. The rituals and chanting have been uncomfortable however they have been additionally reassuring. The remainder of my life could be chaos, however I knew what to anticipate every time I went to the temple. I could be a faceless company cog at work, however the monks informed me that I used to be particular, that I used to be Buddha, that I used to be a part of one thing bigger than myself.
As soon as I obtained a style of the Dharma, I needed extra. So, I gave away all of my possessions and traveled the nation; engaged on natural farms. For eight months, my life was nothing however meditation, sutra research, and exhausting guide labor.
I chanted the Coronary heart Sutra. I constructed a tiny home. I learn the Lotus Sutra. I cared for chickens. And I did an countless variety of prostrations to the Buddha statue that I carried in my backpack.
Quick ahead a number of years, and now I am a Buddhist trainer. I give Dharma talks and educate meditation. I write articles to assist folks discover inside peace, and my religion provides me a way of belonging on this chilly, isolating world.
However there are nonetheless days once I really feel hungry and ashamed. “I do not write sufficient, I do not give sufficient to charity,” my inside critic says, “I ought to study one other language, perhaps I want one other diploma.” I watch these ideas with chilly, bemusement once they seem. Follow has taught me that it would not matter what I do, it would by no means be sufficient. I’ll at all times need extra.
There is a phrase for folks like me in Buddhism. We’re known as gaki (餓鬼) in Japanese, which interprets to hungry ghosts. In Buddhist cosmology, a hungry ghost is a being who has been condemned stroll the earth; at all times consuming and by no means feeling full.
This has been the story of my life; always reaching, striving for yet one more factor. I starvation and I thirst endlessly for one thing that I haven’t got a reputation for; one thing extra fulfilling that cash, energy, or non secular attainment.
Fortunately, in the identical method that Buddhism has a reputation for my situation, it additionally has the treatment. I am reminded of this once I learn the story of Buddha’s enlightenment. When confronted by Mara, the god of lies and need, and surrounded by a military of demons, Buddha did not defend himself by means of an extended, philosophical treatise.
When Buddha was confronted by his personal hungry ghost-nature, which mentioned he wanted wealth and conquest in an effort to be fulfilled, he reached down and touched the earth. He grabbed maintain of the filth, of the uncooked messiness of life. And with this single act, Buddha defeated the armies of Mara.
I see this lesson mirrored in my cat. He howls like a monster every morning when he needs to be fed; pawing on the covers and nibbling my ears till I rise up. However as soon as he is eaten, he makes a bee-line to his favourite sleeping spot and passes out.
There is not any concern over whether or not he’ll eat once more within the night. He would not ask for extra meals than his tiny stomach can maintain. He takes care of the issues of this current second, after which he goes to sleep. Every part else is for silly people like myself to determine.
I attempt to observe the instance of Buddha. I attempt to follow the artwork of peacefulness that my cat embodies. When my inside critic tells me that I am not praying exhausting sufficient, I make the mattress. Once I suppose I am not spending sufficient time within the health club, I do the dishes.
I reply to my countless starvation for extra by taking refuge within the day by day actions of life. I try to reside on this current second; solely regarding myself with the issues I discover therein. And on the frequent events when the timeless thirst inside me cannot be quenched by mundane life, I mild the candles on my altar, and I sit in meditation.
As I watch the candle mild dance on my altar, my focus shifts inward to the shining mild that all of us possess. And I do not forget that I am Buddha. I do not forget that I am sufficient. And I do not really feel hungry or ashamed anymore.
Namu Amida Butsu
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