In my “Four Tendencies” personality framework, every of the 4 Tendencies—Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, Insurgent—has its strengths and its weaknesses.

And the strengths are the weaknesses, and the weaknesses are the strengths—simply relying on the context.

(Wish to study your Tendency? Take the short quiz here.)

Many individuals, particularly Obligers, have a tough time saying “no” to different individuals. If somebody presents an Obliger with an expectation, by definition, an Obliger feels the load of that request—as a result of the definition of an Obliger is “Meets outer expectations, resists inside expectations.”

Obligers usually make observations about themselves comparable to:

• “I wrestle to set boundaries”
• “I all the time go the additional mile, and folks benefit from that”
• “I maintain my guarantees to different individuals, however I’ve bother maintaining my guarantees to myself”
• “I’m not good at self-care”

This sample can result in burnout, emotions of resentment, and even “Obliger-rebellion.” Saying “no” to another person’s expectation is a crucial ability that can assist you obtain your goals and give attention to what’s essential to you.

But it surely’s normally not so simple as “simply saying no,” particularly when another person’s request or demand weighs closely on you.

For those who face this problem, you would possibly…

Say “sure” with situations:

“Can I begin this undertaking subsequent week after I may give it extra consideration?”

“I’m going to complete writing these emails first, then I’ll draft that caption for you if I’ve time.”

“For those who’d like me to do that report, what else can come off my to-do record?”

“Are you able to end placing the groceries away for me whereas I make you that snack?”

“I can play with you for 20 minutes, after which I’ve to get again to work till lunchtime.”

Delegate:

“I’m not the very best particular person for this job proper now.”

“This particular person additionally is aware of how to do that and will have extra bandwidth.”

“Why don’t you attempt it by yourself first and I’ll test in with you whenever you’re completed?” 

Say “no” so you possibly can say “sure” to another person:

“I can’t keep late tonight, I’ve dinner plans with a buddy.”

“If I tackle this undertaking, I’m going to danger lacking an essential deadline.”

“I can’t come out tonight, I promised myself a night at residence to relaxation.”

“I’m taking per week off to spend time with my household.”

Contemplate your responsibility as a task mannequin, or to your future-self:

“If I get burnt out, I gained’t be useful to anybody.”

“If I keep late, my teammates would possibly really feel like they’ve to remain late too.”

“I would like my children to see what wholesome boundaries appear like.”

“If I get evening’s sleep, I’ll be extra productive tomorrow.”

Upholders, Questioners, and Rebels are sometimes unhelpful when Obligers say they really feel overwhelmed by the load of expectations. These Tendencies say issues like, “For those who don’t need to do it, effectively, don’t do it,” “For those who get clear on what’s essential to you, then you definately’ll do it,” “Set a rule for your self and keep on with it,” or “Simply it ignore what they are saying.” That recommendation doesn’t work effectively for Obligers.

For an strategy to resonate with somebody, it has to replicate the attitude of their Tendency. Utilizing an Obliger-specific strategy makes it far simpler for Obligers to say “no” once they need to.