Four Ways to Cool Down Your Defensiveness

Years in the past, after I had my first media interview about my analysis on humility, the interviewer was curious whether or not learning humility really made me any humbler. She requested me to ballot my spouse, to see how humble she perceived me to be. Once I solicited my rating from one to 10, my spouse gave me a 4.

My embarrassment gave approach to defensiveness. I used to be genuinely perplexed—why wasn’t I humble? I attempted, counterproductively, to make a case for my humility by itemizing my humble attributes and actions (the irony is thick), however that preliminary defensiveness quickly stored me from having the ability to use this suggestions as a approach to develop. I couldn’t see my very own lack of humility.

Even an knowledgeable in humility must work onerous to open his thoughts and scale back defensiveness. However why hassle?

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Humility is an underrated however extremely essential human advantage. Folks choose a partner or friend who is humble, partly as a result of it indicators belief and dependability. To make progress intellectually as a society or as people, now we have to confess what we all know—and, extra importantly, what we don’t know—and be curious, open to new ideas, and willing to listen. Likewise, acknowledging that our own cultural worldview is however one among some ways to have interaction with the world, and assembly different views with a want to study and an appreciation for variety, helps us navigate an more and more international and interconnected world.

After we study to tame our defensive instincts, we open ourselves as much as all the advantages that humility can supply.

Why are we so defensive?

A harsh fact about being human is that we’re naturally defensive—and our defensiveness comes out in just a few methods.


First, now we have a want to be proper. We would like our views concerning the world to be validated by different individuals. Normally, which means that we become friends with people who share our beliefs, and we have a tendency to not encompass ourselves with individuals who maintain totally different opinions than we do. After we’re incorrect, we search methods to show that we’re proper, even at a value to {our relationships}. And we twist proof to verify that we’re certainly right. Our drive to be proper makes it onerous to obtain suggestions.

We additionally want certainty. We don’t like “not understanding,” and our tradition treats any lack of know-how as inherently dangerous. On the similar time, we’re compelled to confront a excessive diploma of uncertainty due to the character of existence. The world is unpredictable, and since people are clever and have the capability for self-awareness, we’re in a position to mentally “project” ourselves into the future—that’s, we’re in a position to envision totally different attainable futures. We will think about ourselves elsewhere, having fun with myriad experiences, with varied individuals, in a number of various contexts. However we’re additionally conscious that life doesn’t all the time go as we think about: We all know that we may very well be struck down with a terminal sickness, run over by a bus, attacked by a stranger, caught in a pure catastrophe, deserted by our accomplice, or fired from our job.

Psychotherapists recommend that our lack of management on the earth—and the human burden to must make selections regardless of the absence of anybody clear most suitable option—is a primary source of anxiety and other mental illness. We want certainty in an unsure world. So, we cling to certainty after we can and keep away from uncertainty each time attainable.

Lastly, we act defensively as a result of we interpret the world in methods which might be in step with our personal schema—we see the world precisely as we want to. We’re so adept at ignoring inconsistencies with our beliefs and at looking for—and listening to—solely the data that affirms our preexisting beliefs, that we frequently don’t understand after we’re performing defensively. It’s onerous for us to see how actually closed-minded we’re.

Find out how to domesticate humility

These truths about ourselves are onerous to swallow. A few of us acknowledge that we could have defensive tendencies, however then (like me) we rapidly start assembling proof for the ways in which we’re not that dangerous or that different individuals are worse, which is only a totally different model of the identical defensiveness.

This tendency runs deep, however it may be overcome. Listed below are 4 methods to assist domesticate humility by lowering defensiveness.

Affirm areas of which means. When our worldview is threatened—like when somebody challenges our political ideology or suggests our spiritual beliefs are incorrect—we’re fast to shift to defending our sense of which means in different areas of life. This compensatory response affords an essential clue to how we are able to begin to turn into much less defensive and extra open-minded: by constructing which means. We’re pure meaning-makers who flourish finest when issues make sense (and after we really feel like we matter and have a goal).

Working to affirm areas of which means might help us really feel safer and be less likely to respond out of self-protection. Analysis means that the methods we discover which means (corresponding to relationships, shallowness, certainty, and values) are considerably interchangeable. When a failure at work leaves your shallowness feeling humbled, for instance, you may shore up the sense of which means you get elsewhere.


This sort of affirmation can take a number of types, corresponding to reflecting and journaling about your core values or a meaningful relationship. This may improve your feeling of authenticity and integrity, taking the sting off future threats.

So, the following time you are feeling such as you need to reply defensively by arguing, placing different individuals down, discounting the views of others, or doubling down in your approach of seeing the world, take a second and remind your self of what you discover significant in life. 

Acknowledge your personal limitations. Humility includes an correct notion of each strengths and weaknesses. Admitting that you’ve got some flaws will assist reshape your concepts and self-perception, which is able to make seemingly difficult data—like damaging suggestions or constructive criticism—much less threatening. In any case, if you understand that you’ve got limitations and can own them, while you obtain suggestions that contradicts the best way you see the world, you may match it extra neatly into the way you make sense of issues. Admitting that you’re typically incorrect makes it simpler to be incorrect, as a result of it’s much less sudden to be incorrect.


Within the twenty first century, most individuals’s lives are made attainable by interdependence. We’d like one another. I couldn’t be writing this text if not for the hundreds of people that made it attainable for me to discover a job I didn’t create, write on a laptop computer I didn’t design, stay in a house that I didn’t construct, eat meals that I didn’t develop, drive in a automobile I didn’t manufacture, and put on garments I didn’t sew. From an evolutionary perspective, people have helped clear up collective issues and made it simpler for us all to outlive collectively via the division of labor. And as we’ve turn into extra specialised, we realized that we’re not in a position to do all of it; there are issues we’re good at and areas the place we’re missing. Equally, we are able to flip the acknowledgement of our personal limitations right into a grateful realization that we’re all on this collectively.

Diversify your social investments. As a result of our defenses are sometimes sharpened by individuals who share our beliefs, you want a community of mates, household, and colleagues who maintain totally different concepts from yours. By weaving collectively a wealthy tapestry of voices in your life, you’ll have interaction with divergent viewpoints, which should reduce your defensive responses by familiarizing you to alternative ways of seeing the world which might be held by individuals you want.


In every faculty course that I educate, I implore my college students to search out people who find themselves totally different from them, get to know them, and turn into mates. They need to search out mates of various ethnicities, religions, cultures, financial lessons, political events, or in numerous phases of life; these may very well be individuals who like totally different music or TV reveals, have totally different hobbies or pursuits, or come from a vastly totally different background. In a single class, I assign my college students to attend at the least one service from a religion custom totally different from their very own (and for some, that is any place of worship).

Acknowledging that different individuals maintain totally different views and appreciating your shared humanity with them make you much less prone to reply negatively to future views that run counter to your personal.

Search to show your self incorrect. Lastly, and maybe most difficult, you may develop an open thoughts by deliberately looking for to show your self incorrect. This counterintuitive strategy includes going out of your approach to discover data that goes in opposition to your beliefs.


Think about one among your deepest-held beliefs—maybe your spiritual beliefs, political beliefs, view of local weather change or immigration coverage, interpretation of the Second Modification, or stance on the free market. Start by arguing in opposition to your self. What weak spots may you’ve in your argument? The place have you ever not but looked for details or proof concerning this subject? What proof is there that you just may be incorrect? Who’re educated individuals about this subject whom you’ve beforehand disregarded—and what have they got to say concerning the subject? What are some counterpoints to your arguments? What may encourage you to have this perception, and in what areas may you’ve blind spots?

The objective of this train isn’t so that you can change your cherished beliefs and swap political events or religions. Relatively, the purpose is to appreciate that different good, respectable individuals imagine in another way than you do, so it’s attainable—even probably—that you just’re incorrect about just a few issues.

Studying to argue in opposition to your self and looking for opposing views are instruments to keep away from falling into the lure of closed-minded defensiveness and are markers of smart decision-making.

These efforts are onerous however worthwhile. And even the most effective intentions could come up quick. However as for me, I’m dedicated to it. Every day, I attempt to be a bit much less defensive and bit extra open. Slowly, I’m hoping it is going to open me as much as larger humility. In any case, it beats the choice.